I’m excited that you get to see these engagement photos today! Tracy & Riva have graciously shared Ashley & Scotty’s Palmer Park shoot with LoveintheD. In case you missed it a few months ago, check out some of the bests of Tracy & Riva’s wedding photography.
When I first started LoveintheD, a friend said I absolutely must talk with Ana and Joel about their socially conscious wedding! After interviewing them, it was absolutely clear why! Ana and Joel had three themes for their July 4, 2009 wedding: community, sustainability, and health.
Sean and I may have had our first date on the same day that Ana and Joel met! Ana and Joel were both at the Detroit Festival of the Arts. Ana had just come back to the Detroit area, and hadn’t seen many bike commuters. She saw Joel on his bike and knew that he was a fellow bike commuter! He noticed her too. They began talking and found a million things in common.
Tell me about your love for Detroit.
Joel: We are passionate about spending our money in Detroit. A wedding is a major capital investment, so we made a commitment that we wanted to get married in Detroit and use Detroit vendors as much as we could. I work in sustainability and am excited about Detroit being a hotbed for a more sustainable, greener society.
Ana: My dad had a big presence in Detroit as an advertising photographer who was really involved in his community. My father was known by many people in the city and had a very deep love and commitment to the city. After coming back from the west coast, I knew this is the place where I want to spend the rest of my life.
The details:
Venue: Belle Isle
Photographer: Lance Havelka
Flowers: Mother’s friend (bamboo stalks)
DJ: Brian Gillespie
Videography: Rand Shackleton
Officiants: Richard Andres and Deb Lentz
Food: Prepared by Canape Cart
Chairs and tables: C&N Rentals
How did you incorporate Detroit into your wedding?
We chose Belle Isle because it is the nature area of the city. We go to Belle Isle to swim in the summer, to cross-country ski in the winter, to bike, and to participate in the Motor City Triathlon. Our out of town guests stayed at the Double Tree Hotel. We created tour maps, which included cool places like Lafayette Coney Island, the Heidelberg Project, Mexicantown, iconic downtown buildings, and community gardens. We gave out Detroit goodie bags. We wanted to make sure people left with a good impression of the city.
Tell us about the bike ride!
We go on a 1000-mile bike tour every summer. You read that right. After the ceremony, we held a bike processional! We rode a tandem and about fifty of our guests followed us around the fountain on Belle Isle!
Sustainability is a big part of your lives. How did that translate into your wedding meal?
All our food at the wedding was grown within 100 miles of Detroit. Most of the food was grown much closer. The meat was purchased from an Eastern Market farmer. Brother Nature provided the greens. The Canapé Cart was excited about preparing our meal using local food! Instead of a wedding cake, our baker friends brought fruit pies.
What was your favorite moment of the wedding?
Joel: Our vows were special — we wrote them ourselves. We asked the community to support us.
Ana: My dad had a stroke and was paralyzed on one side. Yet he actually walked me down the aisle. That took everyone’s breath away. The moment when he got up out of his wheelchair was pretty awesome. The bike processional was also very cool. We did a salsa number for our first dance. That was fun! The food was incredible! Food is a big part of our lives and that was important. I had a lot of favorite moments!
What words of advice do you have for those planning their own Detroit weddings?
Joel: Determine your highest priority and put a lot of energy and effort into making that element really good. Recognize what you can let go of a little bit. You can’t control everything! If food quality is important to you, find a venue that doesn’t require you to use their kitchen. If you have to use the in-house kitchen, you can’t really tell the venue to use a certain caterer.
Ana: You can make an impact on your local economy because you’re probably spending so much money! One thing that was really hard was narrowing down the guest list. You don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. Have you shared a meal with them in the last year? Do you want them in your life in the next ten years? Use those questions to help you decide.
Bride on Bride: Patriarchy, Bride Culture, and Space to Be Queer
Part Two
Engaged in the D blog post by Katherine [Read Part One]
…So we had to find other ways to plan our wedding, ways that didn’t require us to designate one partner as the bride and the other as secondary. We had to try to figure out how to play to our individual strengths while supporting each other and checking in with each other. Because we both identify as “brides” and neither of us feels like a “groom”, this might have been easier for us than for some straight couples. I’m not actually sure. Like I said, I’ve never gotten married before.
We’ve been taking on individual tasks where we can, doing a lot together, and trying to be honest about what we are capable of. I’ve heard it said that nothing will test the staying power of your relationship quite like planning a wedding, and that might be true. I’ll be honest – it isn’t all lovey-dovey. We’ve certainly had our share of disagreements. We try to remember that our wedding, like our marriage, isn’t something one person is doing and the other is going along with. It’s something we are doing together. It should reflect that.
That doesn’t mean that we both have to do every single thing. For example, Chelsea gets kind of freaked out by numbers, and I get kind of freaked out by making phone calls. One of our first agreements about the wedding was that she is in charge of calling people, and I’m in charge of drawing up the budget. Sometimes I’m a bit more planning-oriented than she is, which means that often times I’ve been the one bringing ideas to the table, and then we make decisions together. But it’s not exclusively like that, and I don’t make decisions about the wedding without her, or vice versa. I won’t sign up for any site that offers me a “community of other brides” and asks me to list us as “Katherine” first and “and her partner Chelsea” second. It may seem like a little thing, but language matters.
• •
It feels particularly important because we are trying to do this whole getting married thing as ethically as possible. One of our biggest values as a couple is being in an egalitarian partnership, and one of the best things about our particular egalitarian partnership (we’ve both said this, at various points) is that we help to push each other to live according to our values. So when we discussed the possibility of hiring a caterer, we needed to talk to each other about what our ethical requirements would be for that (local business? locally sourced ingredients? plant-based foods? where is it ok to compromise and where is compromise off the table?) and how that would play out before we could look into any specific options. We aren’t either of us perfect, and our wedding won’t be perfect either.
But for it to be the best that it can be, we need to be doing it together.
• •
Readers: Are you and your fiancé/e splitting up the wedding planning tasks? If so, how?
I was so excited when Meg Pouncy contacted me about her wine business! One of the best things about blogging is that I’ve connected with amazing women who have started their own businesses. Meg owns Vino Dream, a wine pairing and event company in Detroit!
How did you get started as a sommelier and what is the story behind Vino Dream?
I was working in San Francisco as a designer and ended up working on design for a wine bar! That piqued my interest and I started learning about wine. I got a job in Pennsylvania, the fifth largest wine producer in the country at the time, and I started going to wine classes. Friends started calling me when they were having friends over, asking for advice about what wine should be paired with the meal they were about to prepare. More and more friends were calling for advice. Eventually I moved home to Detroit for family reasons and decided to start a business! While planning, I flew around the country to get to know the wine industry. I tried 320 wines! And interviewed people everywhere I went. I started Vino Dream using this new knowledge and experience.
Tell me about your love for Detroit – why start your business in Detroit? What do you love about this city?
There is no other place I could imagine living at this point. I’ve lived on the East Coast and I’ve lived on the West Coast. Detroit is closest to my heart. There are amazing opportunities here! This is a chance of a lifetime to participate in the rebuilding and entrepreneurial energy that is captivating the city right now. There’s no better place to start a business; the support network is great. People embrace each other – literally. That doesn’t always happen in other cities.
Any tips for discovering unique Michigan or local wines to serve at a Detroit wedding?
Consider the whole experience! Many people think only about the champagne toast and then cake. Don’t serve a dry fruity wine right before a sweet frosted cake. Try a Michigan dessert wine or Canadian ice wine. Try something that will complement the cake. Think about serving different types of wine throughout the meal. Start with an appertis before the meal, and then serve another wine with the meal, followed by a dessert wine. Always look for balance when planning your wedding meal.
Let’s say I’m planning a summer backyard BBQ wedding. How should I go about selecting wine for my wedding?
Wine started out as a drink of the people, not something reserved for the rich or special occasions. Wine is for everyone. There are wines perfect for a backyard wedding! If you are grilling, there are wonderful wines that pair well with smoked meat or BBQ flavors. A Chiraz would be terrific with a grilled or seared steak. Remember to serve the wine at the right temperature. When Vino Dream caters weddings, we keep the bottles on ice until it’s close to serving time. We bring a thermometer to make sure the wine is the right temperature. If you are getting married outside and you’re having an informal reception, let your food and drinks speak to that relaxed feel!
What sorts of wine tastings and private events does Vino Dream put together?
For our pairing service, we would talk about your wedding menu and make pairing recommendations. For wedding venues that allow outside wine, Vino Dream is happy to source and serve the wine. I also do wine etiquette and Sommelier in a Day classes. I recommend those classes to individuals who are getting married and want well-rounded information about wine. You’ll leave feeling more comfortable about wine — and know how to hold the wine glass the right way, why and when to twirl, etc. I also hold Wines of Spain and Wines of Italy trainings. Finally, I do wine tasting events – for networking events or private parties.
I’m curious about the environmental impact of wine. Is there a way a bride or groom can be environmentally conscious in their wine selection process?
The wine industry is moving away from corked bottles to screw cap wines. Cork comes from trees and screw caps don’t exhaust the earth’s resources in that way. Gone are the days where wine with screw caps are only “cheapwines.” Now boxed wines are trending — boxes are easier to recycle than glass and are more efficient. You’ll also see some wines in tetrapaks. One of my favorite wines comes in a tetrapak! Another big push is toward organic wines. The extra bonus is that people who are allergic to the sulphites in many wines are able to drink organic wines.
Readers: What wine(s) are you planning to serve at your wedding or upcoming event?
Bride on Bride: Patriarchy, Bride Culture, and Space to Be Queer
Part One
Engaged in the D blog post by Katherine
First, a confession: Sometimes I spend a lot of time on Facebook. It can be both a useful tool for staying connected with people, and a time-suck that drains all of one’s emotional energy and leaves one sort of generically angry and displeased with the world, and yeah, I use it for both. Now that that’s out of the way.
Last year, before I was engaged, nearly all the ads I saw on Facebook were for engagement rings. That’s not particularly surprising, I’m a mid-late twenty-something, and I listed myself as “in a relationship”, I’m sure without knowing anything else about me, that made me part of the prime market for such a thing as far as the algorithms were concerned. It did feel a little eerie, though, to see those ads all the time, while I was nervously ordering Chelsea’s ring and planning the proposal.
And then, I proposed. And then, yeah, we had to change our relationship status on the internet. It was easier than calling every single person we know.
And then, like magic, the ring ads disappeared.
What came next was an awful lot of ads to help us plan our wedding. I’ve never planned a wedding before (first and only time doing this!) and so I found myself wondering which, if any, of these sites that were being advertised would be helpful to me. I even clicked a couple of them.
And then the problem became apparent. Did I say “ads to help us plan our wedding?” because that isn’t actually correct. I meant “ads to help me plan my wedding.” That’s when I discovered what I now refer to as “Bride Culture.”
Bride Culture is the culture of immense pressure put specifically on engaged women. It was that the wedding is mostly about the woman, mostly about the dress. It says that everything has to be perfect, and by perfect, we of course mean perfect according to your 8-year-old self who watched too many princess movies, regardless of whether or not your values and goals have changed since then. Bride Culture assumes that your wedding is the most important day of your life, and that it is planned by the Bride (and maybe her mother) with very limited input from whom she is marrying.
And just in case it isn’t obvious, Bride Culture is definitely part of patriarchy.
• •
Now I don’t have a problem with how anyone else has their relationship, or how anyone else plans their wedding. If you determine that one partner has more interest in or time for planning the event than the other partner, cool, that person should probably plan it! If that person happens to be a lady, that’s cool too. The problem that I have is the cultural assumption that women are the ones planning weddings, and the implication that there are these crowds of disinterested partners (mostly grooms, but I found the same assumptions on plenty of gay wedding sites as well) just waiting in the wings for their blushing brides to finish making all the decisions.
Put quite simply, it just wasn’t us.
• •
Want to learn how Katherine and Chelsea have shifted away from the Bride Culture paradigm in their wedding planning process? Come back to LoveintheD next week to read more!
Today’s LoveintheD real wedding post is short and sweet.
In 2009, Sean and I attended the wedding of our friends Alicia and Lee. We became friends when Sean and I began attending services at the First Unitarian Universalist Church of Detroit at the time Alicia was on the board. Alicia and Lee had an intimate winter wedding… and the Christmas Eve candles were still up in the church. It was beautiful! One of the highlights was the yummy dessert bar. Another highlight was the way the officiant spoke about Alicia and Lee’s hope that the marriages of same sex couples would someday soon be legally recognized across the country.
From Alicia:
As a mature couple, we opted for a small, do-it-yourself (DIY) type wedding. We were surrounded by our family and friends with a style that was all our own. By having a small DYI service and reception, we were able to have the wedding we wanted; we avoided expectations of others…
The details:
Venue: First Unitarian Universalist Church (service) and old Victorian house (reception)
Officiant: Reverend Drew Johnston
Flowers: Eastern Market vendors
Reception: Dessert theme with sweets, treats, and warm drinks
Music: Recorded music from the 1980s
Photographer: William Townley of TVisuals (Lee’s uncle
)
Tailor: Area Code 313 Blu
Hair: Curl Up & Dye
Tell me about your love for Detroit.
Like love, my affection for the city changes and grows over the years. The city allowed me to become my own person, taught me to stand on my own, and taught me that I can be the change I want to see in life.
Having a wedding in Detroit meant we could have a wedding that reflect us, our style and our love of independence, reinvention, and reclamation. Our officiant, Rev Johnston, made the ceremony that reflected us as individuals and as a couple while including our guests. The ceremony was something I will never forget.
How did you incorporate Detroit into your wedding? What socially or environmentally conscious choices did you make during the wedding planning process?
Our tailor provided us with a custom designed dress and a custom designed tuxedo. Our wedding was in Detroit in a historic church building known for social justice work. For the reception, we used local retail, shops and services. The dessert reception featured sweets from various local bakeries. We recycled where we could. The wedding planning was all-volunteer and our wedding incorporated many DIY elements.
What was your favorite moment of the wedding?
One of my favorite moments was seeing all the candlelight in sanctuary and the snow falling during the reception. Also, I really enjoyed the late evening festivities with few good friends sharing wine and scotch.
What words of advice do you have for those planning their own Detroit weddings?
DIY weddings are very possible! Having your style of wedding is also possible. Not every wedding has to be “by the book.” Design a wedding that reflects you, your spouse, and your future together!
If you follow LoveintheD on Twitter, you might be aware of the fact that we held the first LoveintheD photoshoot a few weeks ago! Many thanks to Rachel Lutz at the Peacock Room, bella moon Photography, Ethereal Beauty by Becky, and four fabulous friends-turned-models-for-a-day (Kezia, Lan, Lauren, and Marcia), there are several fabulous vintage wedding inspired blog posts coming up in the next few weeks.
Below is a sneak peek of the photos taken by bella moon Photography!
Can you tell which pieces are vintage?
I am excited to announce that LoveintheD has four new guest bloggers! All of them are engaged people planning their weddings in Detroit. Katherine will be one of the guest bloggers, Roland will be another, and Chris and Melissa are planning to write some posts together as a team!
Are you as excited as I am to hear what they have to say about their wedding planning experience? I anticipate that you, the LoveintheD readers, will get to read all about making weddings as close to zero waste as possible, learning how to make a wedding dress, and ways to keep costs down and support local vendors.
Meet the “Engaged in the D” guest bloggers for Loveinthe D.
Katherine & Chelsea
Wedding date: Friday, September 6, 2013
Katherine tells the engagement story:
It was the end of December, the last full moon of the year. Shortly after Chelsea and I started dating, we started celebrating full moons together as often as possible. In the summer, sometimes we’d pack a picnic. In the colder months, typically we’d take a walk. So, two days after Christmas, I came home from visiting my family in Lansing, and I asked her if she would like to take a walk with me. The sky was perfectly clear. My heart was about to fly out of my chest. She said that sounded nice.
I mulled some wine and we set out. I am not very good at keeping secrets or surprises, especially with people I am close to, because I want to tell them everything. I was so certain I would give my purposes away at any moment, but somehow it didn’t happen. On the walk we talked about past full moons, about how we’ve grown together, about how funny it now seems that we were once shy and nervous around one and other all the time, and about the idea of building a future on this foundation of love and support. I steered us towards one of my favorite pedestrian bridges, so we could look at the moon. Then I took a candle out of my pocket, only to discover that my lighter was broken.
So I had to read my speech by moonlight.
I won’t reproduce it here or anywhere, but it was about how being with her has made me a better person, and I want to keep growing with her. She smiled, just thinking I was being romantic and sweet, until the end. At the end, I offered to spend all of my days with her, and asked for the favor of getting to share hers. I watched her hands creep up over her face. And it was at that romantic moment that I realized, I hadn’t got out the ring yet, and in all of my planning, I’d never decided if I was going to kneel! The ring is beautiful (plug for Emily Wiser, who made the ring and is making my engagement ring, and our wedding bands as well) and also ethical and personal. It’s all recycled gold, and the stone is a small moonstone. One of the old legends about moonstones is that, if you give one to your lover on the full moon, it will strengthen your bond and make your relationship more enduring.
She said yes. We’re getting married on September Sixth, Two Thousand Thirteen.
Chris & Melissa
Wedding date: Saturday, July 20, 2013 at the Detroit Yacht Club
Chris tells the engagement story:
I didn’t propose to Melissa. We arrived at a consensus. Melissa Damaschke, enivronmentalist, feminist, progressive, and protector of the Great Lakes, did not want to be “asked” to be a man’s wife. I knew this and other things from the many discussions we’ve had on the subject for the last six years. However, the term “consensus” was a recent development. Nonetheless, in October 2012, recognizing a marriage would be somewhere in our near future, we fell into a life of Sinful Living with all its temptations: sharing an address, splitting bills, and passive/aggresively leaving dishes in the sink. I don’t make enough money as a piano teacher and part-time art teacher to have surprised her with a really nice diamond ring. This is acceptable, however, as Melissa didn’t want a diamond given the complicated and violent world of the diamond trade. Infact, lucky me, she’s not really into jewelry.
Saturday morning, November 3rd 2012, Melissa and I were running errands one of which was a stop at SOCCRA (the recycling center in Troy/Royal Oak on Coolidge). After we dumped a few boxes of paper, plastic, and glass we returned to the car. I turned down the volume of the stereo and reached for her hands. I said, “I’d like to put forth a vote on us getting married.” She laughed and said, “Seriously, Holt? You’re doing this here?!” I replied in the affirmative. “Where else does one reach a consensus with Melissa Damaschke?” She laughed again and said yes. No ring, just a simple question put forth to the vote. When we got home, I pulled-out a twist tie. Wrapping it around her finger I said, “This is what you get for marrying a poor musician. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Now, we’re looking forward to our Green Detroit wedding!
Roland and Matthew
Engagement story coming soon!
Engaged readers: What are the highlights from your wedding planning process thus far?
Are you a bride (or groom) on a budget? Or a past bride (or groom) with many unused wedding items? Here’s a potential solution!
I was so excited to meet for breakfast last weekend with Lotoya Vongrechin, a co-founder of The Wed Exchange! The Wed Exchange is taking place on Saturday, April 13 in the Detroit area and the following day in Missouri. The Wed Exchange is “where her something old is a bride’s something new.” The event is an opportunity for past brides and brides-to-be to buy, sell, and exchange wedding items such as gowns, decor, bridesmaid dresses, and more.
I agree with Lotoya when she says: “We live in an environment where there are lots of DIY brides and brides on different budgets. There was nothing in Metro Detroit where brides on a budget could buy used wedding items!” She came up with The Wed Exchange in order to fill this void and is excited to launch the first events next weekend!
There are certainly many do-it-yourself brides (and grooms) out there who end up with many creative items that are used for a few hours on their wedding day but don’t have much use beyond that. If you have wedding items taking up space in your house or just want to do something with unused wedding items, consider selling some of your items at The Wed Exchange. Sign up by April 10 to sell your items. Lotoya suggests that you think about which items you are emotionally attached to, and which items you are not so attached to. Are you going to have a vow renewal? What will you want to wear your gown again? “Or do you want to make another bride’s day very special? That could be her something borrowed or old.”
If you are a creative open-minded bride or groom, or simply trying to save some money (seriously, who isn’t??) on your wedding, the Wed Exchange will provide an opportunity for you to buy lightly used items at a lower price. Part of each ticket sale will go toward Brides Against Breast Cancer, and if you want the event planners to sell your items, your unsold items can be donated to charity. Ticket sales run until April 12.
Lotoya is a wedding and event planner whose roots are actually in the automotive engineering industry! She started out by planning detailed trips for some of the Big Three companies and also helped plan several friends’ weddings and bridal showers. “Planning was really really always my first love. When you love something deeply in your core, you always get pulled back to it.” She started her event planning company in 2008.
“Most girls and women dream about their wedding. I have, definitely… and I just love weddings. I love the art of love. I think you should be able to create something you love, whether it’s large, small, or however you want to do it.” She encourages brides to go with their gut, even as they browse the multitude of wedding magazines and blogs. If you are getting overwhelmed, “always look within yourself and what you envision your wedding to be. You want to bring in your own personal style, not what everybody else is doing.”
She loves using Pinterest as a tool for creating a full wedding concept. When she sits down with a client, she gets to know the bride, groom, or parent, and develops a board of wedding images for feedback. After that discussion, she then recreates a similar vision from those images! Lotoya’s favorite moments of wedding planning are (1) the first look – when the couple first sees each other on their wedding day and (2) when the couple sees the transformed venue for the first time. “Both of those moments literally bring tears to my eyes!”
What used wedding items have you been thinking about buying or selling?
Hooray! It’s the first groom’s view post by my husband Sean! Check it out and consider leaving him some blog comment love. Note: It was I, not Sean, who linked words like “sartorial” and “audiophile” to their definitions. He has a bigger vocabulary than I…
Planning a wedding can be a very stressful process for a couple. There were times during the planning phase of our wedding when I wondered if surviving the planning process was the first test of our potential as a married couple. While every couple will have its own internal dynamics that are usually not apparent to friends and family, those reliable guidelines can go out the window when previously undisclosed wedding traditions and expectations come to the surface.
Fortunately, I’m a sartorial traditionalist, an audiophile and have an interest in design and art so I took the lead in designing invitations, hiring a DJ, arranging music, and selecting tuxedos (and a dress) for the groom’s party. Of course this planning process did not happen in a vacuum and Stephanie was my chief collaborator and the inspiration for everything that is commendable in the abovementioned areas of responsibility.
Selecting an initial design for our invitations was actually very easy as I had given Stephanie a painting of us by Matte Stephens as an engagement gift. We were certain that we wanted to use it on the invitations; however, I also had my heart set on a letterpress element and avoiding anything too elaborate. One challenge was that most letterpress shops do not also do giclee printing (high-end, high-resolution inkjet). The other challenge was that letterpress paper is not engineered for giclees. After consulting with Detroit letterpress shops I was aware of at the time, I could not find one that was interested in the job. [Salt & Cedar is the relatively new letter press shop in Eastern Market that did not exist when we were planning our invitations.]
After weeks of internet searches, I reached out to the Elevated Press in Ann Arbor. The owner, Michelle, was willing to discuss the project and help us develop a layout that simplified the project. I borrowed a giclee printer and printed the image per Michelle’s layout and then delivered them to her for her to press. I made sure to reach out to Matte for permission before sending Michelle the image and he was honored that we were including his artwork in our wedding invitations.
After a great deal of trial and error and reading some technical documents on using Photoshop and printing on a printer with eight separate color cartridges, I was able to reproduce the image with the level of accuracy and nuance I had hoped for — no simple task when using ivory paper. Michelle then printed the letterpressed portion and RSVP cards. We ended up with an opportunity to visit the White House in April 2011 and actually present President Barack Obama with an invitation to our wedding.
His response was that ours was “the coolest wedding invitation he’d ever seen.” President Obama also said that he would try to make it if he was in town. It turned out that he was in Detroit on our wedding day to meet with then-President of South Korea, Lee Myung-Bak. Good thing he didn’t show up as tapping one’s glass to elicit a kiss between the newlyweds could have been grounds for a cavity search.
Michelle ordered beautiful navy envelopes from Paper Source to coordinate with the ink on our invitations. I ordered a custom return address stamp from 2impress on Etsy. Stephanie hand addressed the invitations in silver ink due to her talent for writing legibly.
